Graduating at a Grief Retreat in Portugal

What 2 and a half years of active grief tending led me to

Inga Driksne

Jul 30, 2024

Edited on: 29 July 22:21

I have to be honest. I’m a little grieved out.

As I waved goodbye on our final integration call from the grief retreat, I jumped on a plane to my next destination.

I felt happy.

Happy with where I got to.

Happy with how emotionally stable and grounded I felt this entire time even in a city like London.

Happy with how much more expansion I could feel inside of me.

My apprenticeship with grief

It’s been solid two and a half years since I began my conscious relationship with grief.

And by conscious I mean leaning in, feeling all the feels, being present and active in my grieving process. Not something I’ve done in the past.

It began with the sudden death of my father in November 2021.

For those who don’t know - Dad was my now third family member who left this realm. I was only 14 when I faced the sudden death of my mum and 24 when my dear grandma Babushka died of liver cancer 10 years later.

Nici, one of the facilitators, asked me what led me to begin this path, this exploration in grief tending - and I’m not sure I had a clear answer.

I knew very well what I didn’t want.

I didn’t want to be by myself again, locked in a room, crying alone. Not asking for any internal or external help. Or escaping the pain by simply distracting myself with work, relationships, travels, physical challenges, hobbies, you name it.

So I did the opposite of that.

This journey took me on multiple transitions, some still present today.

It diverted me to restart my nomad life in Mexico instead of Brazil, eventually finding and settling in my new CDMX home after 2+ years of travel.

It pushed me to dive into practices like yin yoga, ecstatic dances, breathwork, sharing circles, and movement - all leading me to reconnect with my body.

At times, I spent weeks or months in nature - beach, jungle, forests and mountains; charging and recharging. Receiving and accepting.

Professionally, I went through a rollercoaster.

To give you a flavour:

I worked endlessly for 3 months to launch a hiring programme for founders, only because I was seeking a purpose.
I volunteered my skills and time to a women-led mentoring organisation.
I explored the psychedelic assisted therapy space and completed a neurobiology course before almost signing up for a masters.
I ended up supporting a nonprofit and six months later realised that it wasn’t enough. Or not quite what I wanted.

I started hosting online spaces for people who’ve also lost their loved ones - parents, lovers, siblings, others. Organically leading me to found Welcoming Grief - a safe space for people to welcome grief into their lives and learn to heal, so they can live more fully.

I did this because it helped me. And as a result, many others.

This is when I became even more active in my grief tending. Joining various grief programmes and community-led circles to work through my grief even deeper.

I learned how to give my grief plenty of space, permission and support - be it through therapy, journaling or simply by initiating a conversation with strangers.

Led by curiosity

As I reflect, my apprenticeship with grief was powered and driven by my curiosity.

It was my curiosity that wanted me to apprehend how else I could tend to myself and others. What else could I learn about myself in this tender, vulnerable space?

It was my curiosity that brought me to a grief retreat with psilocybin.

Having done all this work already, how much deeper could I go? How much more grief could I access? How far back could I go?

I lost my mum almost 20 years ago. That’s a long ass time.

So I was curious.

Curious to see whether I could access my grief this far deep. Buried at the bottom of the sea. Or maybe the ocean.

I’ll let the words speak for me.

My heart wide open

My heart wide open
Another layer peeled away
Melted into the sea of tears

Who would have thought,
Who could have thought?
That one can feel so much, so deeply
And not just for self but the collective

As I stood there, in front of the sheepskin
My ancestors cried inside of me,
Let us out, let us be heard

So I kneel down and dive deep
Deep into the grief that needs to be heard
So deep that I can’t see myself
I can’t speak the words
But only feel
Feel so deeply, so intensely
I cry from the depths of the ocean

What a relief
What a release
To get that out of my system

I look up and I see my brothers and sisters with me
Swimming in my grief as one body
Thank you, I say out loud
Thank you for seeing me

This poem was channelled on my way back from the retreat. I was sitting at the back of the car going 100 km/h but my intuition was asking me to pick up a pen and my journal to write. It was like a river flowing right through me.

I reflected on this experience many times after, would I’ve been able to drop to level -10, had I not been so active in my grief tending?

Undoubtedly, the psilocybin medicine played a significant role here too. It cracked my heart wide open and let me feel so much.

As did the preparation and the workshops leading up to this unforgettable Grief Tending Ceremony halfway through the retreat.

The depth of grief which I was able to access and release from my body was so profound and so remarkably healing, that it felt like graduation.

Level two

This doesn’t mean that I’m done with grief forever.

But it certainly feels like a new direction for my grief tending has opened up. A new chapter, a new level of exploration.

From the mind to the body.

From mental to physical expression.

From talking to moving.

Intuitive movement played a huge part in my integration post-grief retreat. Every morning I woke up and allowed my body to move however it needed for 15 minutes.

No rules. No guidance. No expectations, no right or wrong.

No one to impress and no one to dance with.

Just being in my body. Tuning into it and letting it move for me.

As I moved, I picked up on the sediment of grief still surfacing, especially in the first few days. A few tears, sadness and heaviness still needing their space.

It dawned on me that this type of grief tending felt more true to me. More resonant and authentic to my energy and being.

Leading guided movement practices in grief tending.

I will never forget my first guided ecstatic dance in Mazunte. I lay on the floor, soaked in sweat, feeling so much grief rising in my body. So much energy has been moved and needed a release. I lay and cried out loud. I felt so much lighter after.

I want to experience that for others.

I’m still figuring out how this will reflect on my work with Welcoming Grief. But I know that movement is where my heart is leading me next.

My next chapter. Level II.

Summarise this story in one photo

P.S.

Today marks exactly 2 months since my “grief-tending graduation”. I recorded a podcast episode with Rooted Healing talking about my experience of the retreat in more detail, so keep your eyes and ears out for when it airs!

Inga Nomads

Discussion about this post